Friday, October 24, 2008
I get the sense Talisa Soto is made from a recipe of pure bitch: take 1-part Sharon Stone, 1 part Jennifer Lopez (J-Lo®-brand), bake in a flaky crust of Janice Dickinson, sprinkle with unbleached hairs from Madonna's mustache; serve hot, feeds 1 large ego.
Talisa started as a model and eventually graduated to a smokin' hot version of a Bond-girl in 1989 at age 22. By 30 she must have been feeling the dark hand of her expiration date quickly approaching. Why else would she agree to act in a movie where her principle wardrobe is a cheesy pleather bikini, she turns into a bat, and she frequently grows awesome fangs? That's the perfect woman for me, but I guess none of her friends were comic book nerds as kids and thus unable to warn her of an impending disaster in-the-making. Or maybe they thought the Roger Corman-produced vehicle would be cheeky and clever and would have Hollywood cred, (them having never actually seen a Roger Corman movie), right?
Wrong. Comic book movies were not back then like they are today and as sad as it makes me feel to say, vampire movies are not a positive indication of an actresses' career success. Vampirella is certainly a step-down from a Bond film, though probably equal in stature to that video game-to-movie adaptation she did of Mortal Kombat. But somehow she must have agreed to the ridiculous pre-production drawings of Vampirella's bikini, and she probably even read at least part of the script. Remember, this is a woman who appeared on the front cover of hoity-toity Vanity Fair with her douchebag-looking hubby Benjamin Bratt. Oh, imagine her indignation when the movie was released to less-than-rave reviews and the sinister whispers of her lack of acting talent and wardrobe attire.
But, damn! she makes for one pretty vampire.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
I wish I could say I watched more than the first 2 minutes of this movie in anything but high-speed, but it's movies like these where that 16x-play setting on the DVD player comes in real handy. Autumn Reeser is kinda cute, which means when she acquires fangs her rating instantly shoots to the hot side of the spectrum. And to her credit, she did try to have sex with her boyfriend while she transformed herself into a vampire, then try and bite him (she failed). But then, in this bizarro concept I really don't understand they put on make-the-cute-vampire-chick-ugly makeup. It's that damn Buffy the Vampire Slayer show that so egregiously foisted that idea on us all. They put layers of latex and prosthetics all over her face until she's practically unrecognzable. Then to top it all off, they don't even make her canine teeth fangs, they make the incisors the fangs and that's just not right. Feh. Autumnn was the only fanged female, the rest of the movie seemed mildly entertaining. That is, from what I could tell watching it at 16x-speed.