What Was Wrong with 'Suck'?

It's a movie I should have thoroughly enjoyed. Suck is genuinely funny, clever, well-written and directed, and has a great list of cameo appearances. When I heard Mad Men actress Jessica Paré was going to star as a bass player in a band who gets turned into a vampiress, I was very excited about it. Jessica is a beautiful woman with a very interesting "look" about her. And Mad Men takes place in the early 1960's when ladies took extra care to look pretty and feminine, a period in which they aspired to look 'classy' in appearance. Jessica also displayed her copious breasts in the movie Hot Tub Time Machine, so my two images of her already juxtaposed very well in my mind. Add to that the prospect of her with fangs and it's a trifecta.

So everything I love about vampire movies is teed-up and ready to go: an innocent, pretty girl is transformed into a vampire and bites the shit out of lots of people and we see plenty of scenes of her with fangs. She even has devil eyes! (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

But she just wasn't sexy. Don't get me wrong, Jessica did a fantastic acting job and the makeup was fantastic, but she just didn't do it for me. I can highly recommend the movie for all the same reasons I stated at the start of this post, it's really funny and the story kept my interest throughout, (unfortunately not like 95% of all other vampire movies ever produced).

At least I was able to grab a few good caps from the movie. It's no Hammer Studios vampire babes, but Jessica Paré with fangs will do.

The Bugs Bunny-fication of Vampires

True Blood has some really beautiful women who are ostensibly vampires yet I've barely watched the show. Bugs Bunny fangs are an insidious trend I've seen spreading to many quarters of the visual media and it needs to stop now. Maybe they look good to some director with an eye for visual arts, but for those of us with a fang fetish they do nothing.

The primary vampire fangs are supposed to be on the canine teeth, not the lateral incisors. Those teeth are acceptable when a vampiress has the coveted quad-fang configuration, but not alone. Sometimes even the rare bicuspid fang looks good.

And don't even get me started on vampire women without fangs...

What is Imogen Poots?

Imogen Poots is an uncomfortable gastrointestinal condition English actress who will appear this summer in the remake of the 1985 movie Fright Night. I'm very excited about this remake since it's amongst my favorite vampire films of all time, but she'll have a hard time recreating the vampiric beauty of Amanda Bearse, the original actress to play that role.

From what I've read so far, Imogen will closely follow Amanda's character Amy Peterson. Amy was the protagonist Charlie's cute and perky girlfriend he coerced to help him kill the vampire neighbor. On the fright night in question, they were out trying to kill the vampire when they were chased into a night club where all the fun began. It took about 3 seconds for Amy's first of many transformations that night. She glanced at the vampire, got mesmerized, and was out on the dance floor simulating vampire-fellatio in less than the time it took for Charlie to drop a dime into a payphone (this was the 80's, after all). Instantaneously, she lost the cute hair accessories and acquired disco-queen makeup, making her look hot and preppy at the same time. OK, so it was the makeup and her blow-job lips down at the vampire's crotch that made her look so hot.

Spoiler Alert: One of the key take-aways I got from that movie was Amy's sheer desperation after getting turned into a vampiress. In her trippy state-of-mind she got kidnapped from the nightclub by the vampire and awoke in a classic fuck-me vampire gown. In a touching scene evocative of the loss of her virginity, she lovingly acquiesced to the vampire's bite but not first without a hint of demure hesitation. The vampire pulled a total classic move by himself hesitating until she was ready (and then she was) and he penetrated her neck with both fangs until her hymen bled streams of blood trickled down her back.

Then things began to happen quickly for Amy, so stay with me here: she passed out, sweated with febrile convulsions, awoke delirious, her eyes had no iris or sclera and she already had a great set of growing fangs (totally hot); passed out again, woke up this time with yellow eyes, red hair and even bigger fangs; received psychic commands from the vampire to kill her rescuers, failed and began hysterically crying at what she'd become; decided she was really fucked now that there was no way she could rejoin the cheerleading squad at school so she decided to try a different strategy and sexed herself up even more to try and bite Charlie before he finally killed her master. All of which then brings me to Imogen.

For lack of a better term Imogen looks high class (as was Amanda/Amy). Against all social mores, she's brought down by her womanly desires to mate with the alpha-male vampire and it's a tragedy because there's no way a woman of breeding should be whoring around with the undead and sucking blood, much less any other human body parts. That's why although I think Imogen is not the classic Hollywood beauty, she's nonetheless beautiful and poised and if the movie follows the plotline of the original and she'll get penetrated and acquire a mouthful of deadly fangs and she'll burst with repressed sexuality and thus a good movie it will be. Then Imogen will be like Amy.

Christy Turlington is a Valentine Vampire

On this Valentine's Day, supermodel Christy Turlington is looking saintly with a nice new set of fangs.