The Pretty Vampire

Christy Turlington is a Halloween Vampire

2011-10-16T19:30:00.001-04:00

Just mere days away from October 31st, Christy Turlington is back as a vampire. Her deep black eyes are an homage to Kate Nelligan from the 1979 movie Dracula, produced at a time they still knew how to properly vampirize a nice woman.

Christy Turlington is a Very Happy Vampire

2011-03-27T16:07:00.001-04:00

Supermodel Christy Turlington is looking sparkly and radiant showing off her fangs at the Season 2 premiere (2005) of the HBO series "Entourage".

Transcendental Vampiress

2011-03-04T21:56:00.007-05:00

I don't know what it's like in other places but there's a certain class of person who takes yoga where I live. It's usually a middle-aged white woman, nicely dressed and fit & trim, much like this lady is here. They're certainly not all nearly as pretty as she is and from her appearance we can infer a few things about her. I'd say she's from a well-to-do urban area. The trees and plants in the yard looks like California, the overly-straightened hair tells me L.A. She's got disposable income to spend on clothing and makeup (at least the stylists' budget does). She's probably an actress or ex-model and she makes the time to keep that body toned; those laugh lines around her eyes say she's mid-30's. She's like women I see every day and she's got awesome fangs.

I love this video. (Full-size video here).

What Was Wrong with 'Suck'?

2011-02-18T22:08:00.007-05:00

It's a movie I should have thoroughly enjoyed. Suck is genuinely funny, clever, well-written and directed, and has a great list of cameo appearances. When I heard Mad Men actress Jessica Paré was going to star as a bass player in a band who gets turned into a vampiress, I was very excited about it. Jessica is a beautiful woman with a very interesting "look" about her. And Mad Men takes place in the early 1960's when ladies took extra care to look pretty and feminine, a period in which they aspired to look 'classy' in appearance. Jessica also displayed her copious breasts in the movie Hot Tub Time Machine, so my two images of her already juxtaposed very well in my mind. Add to that the prospect of her with fangs and it's a trifecta.

So everything I love about vampire movies is teed-up and ready to go: an innocent, pretty girl is transformed into a vampire and bites the shit out of lots of people and we see plenty of scenes of her with fangs. She even has devil eyes! (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

But she just wasn't sexy. Don't get me wrong, Jessica did a fantastic acting job and the makeup was fantastic, but she just didn't do it for me. I can highly recommend the movie for all the same reasons I stated at the start of this post, it's really funny and the story kept my interest throughout, (unfortunately not like 95% of all other vampire movies ever produced).

At least I was able to grab a few good caps from the movie. It's no Hammer Studios vampire babes, but Jessica Paré with fangs will do.

The Bugs Bunny-fication of Vampires

2011-02-17T22:00:00.005-05:00

True Blood has some really beautiful women who are ostensibly vampires yet I've barely watched the show. Bugs Bunny fangs are an insidious trend I've seen spreading to many quarters of the visual media and it needs to stop now. Maybe they look good to some director with an eye for visual arts, but for those of us with a fang fetish they do nothing.

The primary vampire fangs are supposed to be on the canine teeth, not the lateral incisors. Those teeth are acceptable when a vampiress has the coveted quad-fang configuration, but not alone. Sometimes even the rare bicuspid fang looks good.

And don't even get me started on vampire women without fangs...

What is Imogen Poots?

2011-02-16T16:47:00.014-05:00

Imogen Poots is an ~~uncomfortable gastrointestinal condition~~ English actress who will appear this summer in the remake of the 1985 movie Fright Night. I'm very excited about this remake since it's amongst my favorite vampire films of all time, but she'll have a hard time recreating the vampiric beauty of Amanda Bearse, the original actress to play that role.

From what I've read so far, Imogen will closely follow Amanda's character Amy Peterson. Amy was the protagonist Charlie's cute and perky girlfriend he coerced to help him kill the vampire neighbor. On the fright night in question, they were out trying to kill the vampire when they were chased into a night club where all the fun began. It took about 3 seconds for Amy's first of many transformations that night. She glanced at the vampire, got mesmerized, and was out on the dance floor simulating vampire-fellatio in less than the time it took for Charlie to drop a dime into a payphone (this was the 80's, after all). Instantaneously, she lost the cute hair accessories and acquired disco-queen makeup, making her look hot and preppy at the same time. OK, so it was the makeup and her blow-job lips down at the vampire's crotch that made her look so hot.

Spoiler Alert: One of the key take-aways I got from that movie was Amy's sheer desperation after getting turned into a vampiress. In her trippy state-of-mind she got kidnapped from the nightclub by the vampire and awoke in a classic fuck-me vampire gown. In a touching scene evocative of the loss of her virginity, she lovingly acquiesced to the vampire's bite but not first without a hint of demure hesitation. The vampire pulled a total classic move by himself hesitating until she was ready (and then she was) and he penetrated her neck with both fangs until ~~her hymen bled~~ streams of blood trickled down her back.

Then things began to happen quickly for Amy, so stay with me here: she passed out, sweated with febrile convulsions, awoke delirious, her eyes had no iris or sclera and she already had a great set of growing fangs (totally hot); passed out again, woke up this time with yellow eyes, red hair and even bigger fangs; received psychic commands from the vampire to kill her rescuers, failed and began hysterically crying at what she'd become; decided she was really fucked now that there was no way she could rejoin the cheerleading squad at school so she decided to try a different strategy and sexed herself up even more to try and bite Charlie before he finally killed her master. All of which then brings me to Imogen.

For lack of a better term Imogen looks high class (as was Amanda/Amy). Against all social mores, she's brought down by her womanly desires to mate with the alpha-male vampire and it's a tragedy because there's no way a woman of breeding should be whoring around with the undead and sucking blood, much less any other human body parts. That's why although I think Imogen is not the classic Hollywood beauty, she's nonetheless beautiful and poised and if the movie follows the plotline of the original and she'll get penetrated and acquire a mouthful of deadly fangs and she'll burst with repressed sexuality and thus a good movie it will be. Then Imogen will be like Amy.

Christy Turlington is a Valentine Vampire

2011-02-14T22:41:00.004-05:00

On this Valentine's Day, supermodel Christy Turlington is looking saintly with a nice new set of fangs.

Kristin Davis: Still a Vampire

2011-01-02T17:29:00.003-05:00

I pretty much realize now I have a thing for Kristin Davis with fangs :/

It's not every girl that can pull off the rare triple set of fangs, but Kristin looks beautiful with them.

Kristin Davis - Sex and the City Vampiress

2010-09-04T00:03:00.005-04:00

Kristin Davis has long been a favorite of mine and is by far the prettiest of the four women from the (cancelled) HBO series Sex and the City. She's aging so much better than the other women on that show, she still looks cute and sexy at 45. If I were the programming executive at HBO, Trueblood would never have been made (their fangs are all wrong, anyway) and Kristin would star in a remake of Sex and the City except she would be the vampire mistress commanding a coven of beautiful and vivacious NYC vampire ladies. If I had my way, this would be the listing in the weekly cable guide:

Fall in love all over again with the new girls of Sex and the City Vampires. Charlotte York is back again as the straight-laced eternal optimist only this time she's out for blood! Now as the owner of an art gallery, watch as she leads her crew of three young, desirable, virtually inseparable New York vampire girls into the high-stakes New York art world. Her obedient employees include Anne Hathaway as the aspiring investigative journalist intent to use her vampire powers to get the best stories and expose the truth; AnnaLynne McCord as the tightly-wound Connecticut cousin determined to substitute and control her bloodlust with power and money; and Selena Gomez as the college intern with the heart of gold, unless she's hungry that is!

Incidentally, the above photo of Kristin is from about the mid-1990's, about the time a certain set of pics were taken that recently hit the interwebs (link NSFW).

Jennifer Morrison

2010-02-25T22:38:00.005-05:00

Jennifer Morrison is sporting some recent puncture wounds in her neck and some fabulous fangs.

This actress was unkown to me until I saw her as Kirk's mother in the latest Star Trek film and became impressed with her even more after doing a little googling. Besides making a very pretty vampire, she's educated and accomplished in her field; these are qualities that make any more woman attractive, especially an undead lady of the night.

I also wanted to mention I would like to try a little experiment; for a short while I'm welcoming pictures of your pretty women friends whom would look even better as a vampire (but then again, what woman doesn't?) The pictures must be large format (1280x1084 or larger) of an attractive woman over 18-years old. The pic must be a tight closeup of the face with good lighting and a nice smile...I can't put fangs on her if I can't see her teeth. Please peruse the other pics on this site for examples of the picture types I can work with. I'm not promising anything...time and other considerations may prevent me from vampirizing anyone. All I can say is I'll handle the pics with care and respect and do my best should I give her the vampire treatment.

Anne Hathaway - Vampire Muse

2010-02-01T22:10:00.001-05:00

Anne Hathaway is getting more beautiful each year. She makes a very pretty vampire

My Favorite Transformations - Part II

2009-06-25T22:47:00.019-04:00

Jill Wagner - Blade: The Series (2006)
Losing Jill still pangs me even to this day, 3 years after the series was cancelled. She was a paragon of the pretty vampire ideal; a nice, wholesome looking girl with fangs. She could appear smokin' hot when she wanted, but for the most part she was the kind of girl that effortlessly, casually exuded sexyness, all served with an easy smile and great hair. I've got at least a dozen ad agency executives, stylists, directors and other media types who thought so too because she's the spokesmodel for Mercury cars and trucks. For as long as Mercury may be around, that is. She's the type of woman who's aspirational (as they say in the marketing biz,) pretty, yet non-threatening enough to keep the women buyers interested, but can also stop the men in their channel-surfing frenzy with her immediately impressive looks.

Jill has an athletic body (not the Madonna overly-yoga'd, sinewy kind) with those womanly curves in all the right places (read: great tits and nice ass.) She also has nice teeth and lips, the kind that when enhanced with a great set of fangs makes me swoon. Add to all that she graduated with a BS in Management (i.e., she's practical too) from NC State (...not too shabby) and I think I could love her. I can see it now...she would wear a simple black dress to the restaurant, her white pearls offset by the glint of her fangs behind a subtle shade of red liptick. The candles softly illuminating her face as she sips a glass of sparkling wine gently meeting those full lips. Just then the waiter brings over a plate of extra-rare, bleeding steak. Her eyes light up, she delicately touches both sides of the plate as if it were a present from Tiffany's and her broad smile fully reveals what I swear are even longer and sharper fangs than before. I didn't even know she could do that. But I digress.

Jill's transformation on Blade: The Series was paradoxically both brutal and pretty hot. After the usual vampire seduction-resistance cycle we've all seen, Jill is FINALLY bitten, but before she turns into a vampire she has to be killed before she dies from the bite. So the vampire takes her to a rooftop and simply drops her. She plunges the several stories and smashes through the roof of a car breaking glass and setting off alarms. Now that's a unique transformation technique!

Except when she wakes up fully vampirized she's encouraged to dress like a cheap French whore by the other vampires. Which is a fine thing if I was in love with a cheap French whore, but this is Pretty Vampire Jill Wagner and I liked her in her casual wear. It also smacked too closely of the faux-Goth conceit that for some inexplicable reason tends to associate itself with vampires when instead of Goth they should be all pretty and they instead look like fourth-rate extras from an Anne Rice movie, which in itself defines what fourth-rate actually is. I know I just alienated a whole bunch of people with that statement so let me reiterate it for those of you whom might of missed it: Anne Rice is crap. It's droll and plodding and boring and not a pretty vampire to be seen in any of her movies unless you count the very cute auburn-haired chick Marguerite Moreau in "Queen of the Damned". But she played such an idiot (which is ironic considering in real life she graduated from Vassar College...again, not too shabby) that when she was vampirized it was for way too short a time, her fangs were too small, she had crappy makeup on, and worst of all she was supposedly hot for Stuart Townsend who just creeps me the fuck out anyway, so I could barely care. But getting back to Jill Wagner, the cheap French whore look didn't work for her.

But like the Hollywood hooker with a conscience, Jill became a vampiress with one too. That meant she had the standard modern vampire conflicts we've all come to know and cherish like killing to eat, loving or hating her vampire sire, etc. So she hooked up with the eponymous Blade (wretchedly portrayed by the artist known as Sticky Fingaz -real name?, who must surely have been a primary cause for the shows' cancellation) who supplied her with a synthetic blood substitute to quell the cravings. The net effect was that every time Jill got hungry, whether it be in the shower or in front of her mom, out popped her beautiful fangs and she would moan and writhe or otherwise become so emotional it sounded like a cross between a woman in the throes of ecstacy and childbirth. In any case, it was totally hot. Especially when she was naked in the shower. Or when she vampirized her mom. With her hair pulled back. Wearing sweatpants and a strap t-shirt. With huge fangs. You don't see that too often. Incredible.

This show had huge potential, there was room for character growth and the writers could have had a great time with it. Especially interesting to me was Jill's frenemy relationship with fellow vampiress Chase (Jessica Gower, a beautifully translucent actress/model.) Early on their relationship was rife with behavior that could only have resulted in hot, sucky-sucky lesbian vampire action had the series gone on. But thanks to a worse-than-shit choice with that crap lead Sticky (ugh!), high expenses (read: good acting and writing), and low ratings (i.e., Spike TV) the show was sadly....sadly cancelled.

Still to come:

Jeri Ryan (Dracula 2000)

Rebecca Gayheart (Dusk Till Dawn)

My Favorite Transformations

2009-06-08T23:15:00.020-04:00

The true payoff in any vampire movie for me is when the previously chaste heroine is transformed into a lusty vampiress. This usually necessitates a developed backstory highlighting her virtuous upbringing, high status or the other positive qualities important to our society for a young woman. Sometimes there may be the hint of inferred carnality to her persona, but it's mild, controlled and used merely as a means to explain her later seduction and descent into full-blown vampirism. The point is we get to see a hot chick transform from the girl-next-door into an even hotter chick with fangs who's completely lost any inhibition and ready to ~~have sex~~ suck blood.

The impact of the transformation can sometimes be magnified by the actresses' real-life persona or career; the more wholesome, the better. I have less desire to see a latter-day Britney or Lindsay Lohan sporting fangs than I would, for example Vanessa Hudgins from High School Musical. I take that back, I'd like to see Lindsay with fangs. And Britney for that matter, even if I needed to close my eyes and imagine the old Britney again. Neverthless, I think you get my point.

Maryam d'Abo - Nightlife (1989)
There was a simpler, pre-Internet time where the availability of erotica was severely limited. There was no way to Google "High School Musical" +tits, for example and get what you were after. Actually, it would have been more like "The Partridge Family" +tits...but again, I think you get the point. In between fapping it to the Sears catalog or your sister's copy of Seventeen there wasn't much available except for that which could be glimpsed on one of the few TV channels available. Or sneaking into the local movie theater to see what you could see which was in this case, a James Bond movie. Bond movies were the slightly kinky source of what could pass for erotica starting back in the 1960's: there was Pussy Galore and dancing gold-painted girls to titillate the mind and every introduction to a new Bond Girl was a mini-event unto itself. So it was with Maryam D'Abo in 1987's Bond movie "The Living Daylights," where she played an incredibly cute and sweet but vulnerable cellist/sniper. Yes, you read that right, cellist-slash-sniper.

So when Maryam, a Bond girl no-less, appeared in the vampire comedy (always a risky proposition) Nightlife in 1989, needless to say I was very excited. And she didn't disappoint. Cute as ever, she was unwillingly bitten and transformed. In a key scene we get to see her massive fangs (huge fangs on a chick give me the same thrill as huge tits for some guys,) so incongruous against her diminutive frame, so large and unwieldy as to impede her speech and make her lisp, it's a fabulous sight to behold.

YouTube video of Maryam d'Abo from Nightlife (1989): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0dHbInHz_M

Amanda Bearse - Fright Night (1985)
Quite simply, this may be the sexiest, hottest, sweatiest transformation ever captured on film. Believably portrayed by 27-year old actress Amanda Peterson, a girl-next-door gets seduced by the suburban-vampire-next-door and transformed into a ravaging golden-eyed, flaming red-haired seductress sporting what may be the most unique and beautiful perky tits/fangs combination ever. The 1980's thumping synth-disco-seduction-techno-beat dance-of-death scene captures a zeitgeist moment in time like very few films have ever done in the history of all film making. Amy goes into the disco a cowering, fearful girl and exits a pouty, glammed-up, dead-eyed, coiffed Studio 54 Supermodel who came this close to giving the vampire a blow job on the dance floor. I'm certain piles of cocaine were billowing into clouds of dust somewhere just off-camera.

Once back at the vampire's lair, Amy wakes up from her disco-induced stupor clothed in the white silken gown included in every medieval beer-soaked Burgmeister's fantasy wet dream. While layers of synth-music (more gentle this time) play in the background, the allegory of Amy reluctantly, then with trepidation losing her virginity plays across the screen culminating in the piercing of her neck as blood streams down her back. Metaphor, be my muse!

Then the shit goes down. Amy is left alone to writhe on the silk-strewn floor of the bedroom. She sweats and moans like in the throes of a feverish orgasm. Her hair grows longer, then red, and when her boyfriend discovers then tries to wake her we see her languid, gold-shimmering eyes. And when her mouth drops open, there's a set of nascent fangs sprouting from those pouty blow job lips. It's unbelievably beautiful. Later the buffoonish vampire hunter inadvertently opens her door and Amy springs up like a startled and fierce animal. Her hair is sweaty and stringy and she's gleefully, sinisterly smiling and unabashedly showing us her 8 (yes!) fangs. She's growling and snarling like a lioness until the vampire hunter flashes his crucifix and she recoils in pain and horror, then starts whimpering, whining...covering her face in shame. You can almost hear that little voice inside her head, "Shit! I let that old man vampire fuck me and now I'm really screwed! I'll be the only cheerleader at school with fangs and I'll have to wear sunglasses all the time." It's then you begin to feel sorry for her except for the fact she looks so hot as a vampiress.

It's in the last scene where Amy desprately tries to kill her boyfriend as he searches for the vampire knowing that if she doesn't, her vampire master will surely do some really nasty things to her (which we'll unfortunately never get to see.) Gliding down the basement stairs, her perfect perky breasts expertly lighted from behind through her transluscent white gown, Amy surely and suddenly knows how to woo her formerly disinterested boyfriend. Looking marvelously otherworldly, she flips her hair, acts demurely and again with that adorable pouty act...she's not even trying to hide her fangs...she snaps at him with those marvelous fangs but misses. But we know what invariably happens and it's so distressing I'll spare you the details on how the boyfriend kills the vampire and the girl reverts back to normal. But there's a sequel in my mind and it has to do with where she goes to college and becomes the President of a sorority of lesbian vampires.

YouTube Club Scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B5HzueNeOE

Kristen Kreuk - Smallville "Thirst" Season 5 Episode 5 (2005)
Bitten by the President of a sorority of lesbian vampires, Kristen Kreuk is transformed into a bloodsucking lesbian vampiress dressed in a sexy cat costume. This episode of the recent Superman television series incongruously mixes Superman with vampires and sororities into an awesome melange of collegiate sexiness.

Suspending our disbelief, we're supposed to accept that exotic and beautiful Kristen Kreuk is the plain-Jane last-minute sorority pledge looking for a place to live whom lackadaisically applies and gets accepted to the "hottest sororoty on campus". OK, if she ends up a lesbian vampiress with fangs I'm all for it. So she does. The President makes a decision on the spot, kicks out the other pledges, tongue kisses Kristen and exchanges some blood with her and voila, Kristen has fangs. I almost passed out.

Kristen gets wild, starts partying with the girls and gets pushed down a huge flight of stairs and breaks her neck. That's when the fun begins. Her fangs pop out, her nails are like claws and her eyes are devilish. She re-adjusts herself and realizes she's going to live forever. Now it's getting even better.

At the Halloween party, Kristen is dressed in her black leather Underworld-like catsuit with furry ears, sexily dancing with a cowboy when out pop her fangs! She's ready to bite him when her best friend shows up dressed in a Catholic school girl uniform and whisks her away to a private room to admonish her for cheating on her boyfriend. Feeling a bit remorseful for what she's about to do, she apologizes to her friend, then mocks her for whipping out a crucifix, then bites her. But wait...the modus operandi for this show is you get bit, you immediately grow fangs. But her friend doesn't. She's dressed as a Catholic school girl for chissakes! WTF...this is a missed opportunity of massive proportions! This may not be getting better.

But it does. Later on she drops through a plate glass skylight, bites Superman and sucks his blood (he's doesn't become her vampire slave?) develops hybrid Supergirl/vampiress powers, fights and kills the sorority President with her heat ray eyes, then totally sends the lesbian vampiresses away. Huh? This is her opportunity to be the vampire supervampiress lesbian vampire queen! I'm not getting it...she goes back to Superman, he cures her at the last minute and all the lesbian vampires get cured except for the President who's dead and gone. Then I'm starting to think this sucks.

Except for the fact Kristen Kreuk is so goddam hot even without fangs. And with fangs she truly does have Supergirl Super Lesbian Vampire Sorority President powers and in my mind, she always will.

YouTube Clip - Drunken Lana Gets Pushed Down the Stairs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mcoJJRnwAQ&feature=related

Next Update:
Jill Wagner (Blade: The Series)
Jeri Ryan (Dracula 2000)
Rebecca Gayheart (Dusk Till Dawn)

Jessica Simpson - The Barbie Vampire

2009-04-16T21:53:00.001-04:00

It's been so very long since an update and I apologize. But for the benefit of anyone out there who may still be interested in this site, I'm posting a recent transformation of Jessica Simpson. This pic is before her recent appearance looking chunky in Mom pants, but I hope she regains her former hotness very soon.

Playboy Bunny Vampires

2008-11-10T22:55:00.003-05:00

Playboy Bunny Vampires may seem like a good bad-movie title but be assured they do, in fact, exist. And lucky for me. Unfortunately, they're a rare species and to my knowledge have appeared in the wild only thrice: in 1971, 1996 and 2008.

1971 brought the awesome Hammer Studios production of Twins of Evil with Playmate twins Mary and Madeleine Collinson, who appeared in the October 1970 issue. In 1996 Corinna Harney acted(?) in Vampirella (see prior post). She was Playmate of the Year 1992. Then at a Halloween party in 2008, April 1997 Playboy Playmate of the Month Kelly Monaco showed up wearing a bad wig and fangs. Kelly also played a vampiress in the daytime soap opera Port Charles (1999-2003) and if anyone has pics of her from that series with fangs, please drop me a note.

Christie Brinkley

2008-11-07T20:22:00.007-05:00

I'm pretty sure Christie Brinkley is a vampire, and by the looks of these pics I can't be the only one who thinks so. The woman has barely changed from the February 1981 Sports Illustrated cover on the left to the 2008 photo on the right. And I'm not the artist, but I'm almost certain the inspiration for the drawing in the center was that cover photo. Naturally, even when she was younger my preference was to imagine Christie as a vampire and the artist almost perfectly captured that fantasy mental image of her. She's topless and has bat wings, and there's fangs under those bloody lips. What else could anyone want in a woman?

Christie is almost 55 years old (born February 2, 1954) and although she's still bangin' hot, she's not exactly the same as she was at 26. This leads me to believe she's probably a vampire in the Elizabeth Bathory sense; she most likely regularly bathes herself in the blood of virgins. That would also mean she can't fly and probably doesn't sleep in a coffin. That's certainly a disappointment, but whatever...she's always looked great. Even without fangs.

Vampirella (1996)

2008-10-24T23:33:00.014-04:00

I get the sense Talisa Soto is made from a recipe of pure bitch: take 1-part Sharon Stone, 1 part Jennifer Lopez (J-Lo®-brand), bake in a flaky crust of Janice Dickinson, sprinkle with unbleached hairs from Madonna's mustache; serve hot, feeds 1 large ego.

Talisa started as a model and eventually graduated to a smokin' hot version of a Bond-girl in 1989 at age 22. By 30 she must have been feeling the dark hand of her expiration date quickly approaching. Why else would she agree to act in a movie where her principle wardrobe is a cheesy pleather bikini, she turns into a bat, and she frequently grows awesome fangs? That's the perfect woman for me, but I guess none of her friends were comic book nerds as kids and thus unable to warn her of an impending disaster in-the-making. Or maybe they thought the Roger Corman-produced vehicle would be cheeky and clever and would have Hollywood cred, (them having never actually seen a Roger Corman movie), right?

Wrong. Comic book movies were not back then like they are today and as sad as it makes me feel to say, vampire movies are not a positive indication of an actresses' career success. Vampirella is certainly a step-down from a Bond film, though probably equal in stature to that video game-to-movie adaptation she did of Mortal Kombat. But somehow she must have agreed to the ridiculous pre-production drawings of Vampirella's bikini, and she probably even read at least part of the script. Remember, this is a woman who appeared on the front cover of hoity-toity Vanity Fair with her douchebag-looking hubby Benjamin Bratt. Oh, imagine her indignation when the movie was released to less-than-rave reviews and the sinister whispers of her lack of acting talent and wardrobe attire.

But, damn! she makes for one pretty vampire.

Red-eyed Girl

2008-10-14T20:46:00.004-04:00

Here's a photo I quite enjoy. It's not stunning, or particularly sexy but I think I have a huge crush on her. I like her casual style; sunglasses lazily placed on her head with a simple and tasteful hairstyle...it reminds me of a summer day. She's flashing her fangs as if someone only mentioned them and she decided to give them a peek. Thank you, cute, freckled girl with red eyes and fangs. Thank you.

Lost Boys 2: The Tribe

2008-10-13T22:32:00.005-04:00

The first Lost Boys (1987) was just OK. It was frustrating to see up-and-coming starlet Jami Gertz never grow fangs. And for me, that's just payback for her never making it really big in Hollywood. Pretty women without fangs in a vampire movie is an incredibly lousy idea and they should be punished for it. Anyway...as is usual when I hear a new vampire movie is coming out, I try to keep my expectations at a minimum. My minimum expectations were not nearly met.

I wish I could say I watched more than the first 2 minutes of this movie in anything but high-speed, but it's movies like these where that 16x-play setting on the DVD player comes in real handy. Autumn Reeser is kinda cute, which means when she acquires fangs her rating instantly shoots to the hot side of the spectrum. And to her credit, she did try to have sex with her boyfriend while she transformed herself into a vampire, then try and bite him (she failed). But then, in this bizarro concept I really don't understand they put on make-the-cute-vampire-chick-ugly makeup. It's that damn Buffy the Vampire Slayer show that so egregiously foisted that idea on us all. They put layers of latex and prosthetics all over her face until she's practically unrecognzable. Then to top it all off, they don't even make her canine teeth fangs, they make the incisors the fangs and that's just not right. Feh. Autumnn was the only fanged female, the rest of the movie seemed mildly entertaining. That is, from what I could tell watching it at 16x-speed.

Anne Hathaway is a Vampire Princess

2008-10-11T03:39:00.001-04:00

With Anne Hathaway's recent success and talk of an Oscar nomination, I figured it was time for her to get the vampire treatment.

Pretty, Smart, Geena Davis

2008-04-11T22:08:00.002-04:00

A long time ago, Geena Davis reserved a secure place in that special part of my mind reserved for fantasy. I'm partial to tall, statuesque, intelligent women with pretty faces, large breasts and of course, fangs. Geena is 6-feet tall, a member of the high-IQ society Mensa, a former Victoria Secret model and once played a vampiress in the 1985 movie "Transylvania 6-5000" where she wore an outfit that was simultaneously cute, vampiric, and incredibly sexy. She was also nominated for Best Actress, amazingly - not for the time she wore fangs but for some other movie, whatever that one was...not important. She wasn't a vampire in that one.

Candid Vampiress Camera

2008-03-28T21:33:00.002-04:00

Since the dawn of the age of supermodels, Christy Turlington still makes for the best vampiress. I particularly like this shot of her because it captures a candid moment, that for me, demonstrates her comfort with the camera, some genuine personality and inexplicably (especially for a model) her renown intelligence. And her fangs. She looks really great in fangs.

Random, Obscure Hot Vampire Chick

2008-03-23T20:44:00.006-04:00

It's the girl on the right - she's infatuated me since I first saw this pic. I scanned it from an issue of Fangoria, or some such horror pulp mag from about 1995, or so. The accompanying story was about the women of the old, venerated hammer Horror Studios (that would be one of them on the left) and this small pic of anonymous hotties with fangs was stuck next to it like some teaser.

I don't know much about the machinations of Hollywood, but I think this was some sort of publicity event that attracts would-be actresses, publicity reps, and other industry-types. Would she be an aspiring actress, or maybe a production assistant, or someone from the business-end of this event whom somehow, wonderfully decided she should attend an event with a lovely set of fangs? She looks young, stylish and exotic; in an image-obsessed industry she probably knows her looks could get her far if she plays the game, even if she's not an actress. A fuzzy dress, strap provocitively off the shoulder, knows how to get in the photo...is she part asian? Maybe part African-American? Hard to tell.

Vampy Vixen II

2008-03-05T21:46:00.006-05:00

Thanks to a kind note from a visitor to this site, I was excited to find a few YouTube videos of sexy MILF Rebecca Staab from her days on the soap opera "Port Charles". Having previously blogged of her many wonderful attributes, this continues my schoolboy crush on her.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=OGaWqfDoH4o&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4qHvgk-2UzU

In the first video, Rebecca kills a predator right before he attacks her (not quite as hot) daughter. In the second clip, she fawns and swoons over an unrequited love interest until she finally decides to put her fangs in his neck.

Rebecca Staab (center) with some of the cast from "Port Charles".

3 Brides

2008-02-14T21:42:00.006-05:00

Dracula has always been quite the ladies' man, and you've got to admire that. Who hasn't wanted to immediately seduce that beautiful woman with merely a stare? The ladies swoon and expose delicate body parts in response. Dracula has a thing for necks. That's cool, but personally I wouldn't stop there.

He seems to pick up chicks pretty easily wherever he goes. Sometimes in the movies we see him obsess on the high class lady only to get her horny friend instead. It's the Victorian equivalent of the messy drunken sorority chick at the frat party. You know the type, the big girl with the crush on you whom after a few beers won't stop talking until after you hook up with her and she passes out, but hopefully not before you're done. Dracula is sometimes similarly momentarily distracted for an easy quickie and so he takes his sights off the classy chick until there's inevitably a staking and it doesn't end well for him or the fat chick. Oh, he might get his fangs once on the classy chick but she never fully turns into a vampiress and she turns out to be a big tease in the end, anyway. That's right, go back to your American cowboy or your aristocratic English chap and in 10 years when you wake up and see those wrinkles you can remember how empowering those nascent fangs felt sprouting between your lips and how you never would be needing to slather your skin in heaps of Oil of Olay or whatever you use to keep it supple because you could have had gallons of virgin blood to wallow in.

But back to the subject at hand; his three ladies home at the castle. He usually has some pretty good taste too, probably he's used to getting the choicest Fräuleins back in old Bavaria whilst terrorizing the locale townsfolk until they give them up. Many times he goes for the triple scoop, a blond, brunette and redhead. Drac's the man.

The 3 brides that started it all in Dracula (1931). Frankly, it's hard for me to tell if chicks were hot from this era.

Colleen Fitzpatrick, Jeri Ryan and Jennifer Esposito Dracula 2000 in one of Dracula's finest harems.

That chick from the frat party?

That's supermodel Josie Maran on the left, whom never looked better. Van Helsing (2004).

One of those high-class Victorian ladies whom never quite turn vampiric enough. Dracula Prince of Darkness (1966)

Fashion model Michaela Bercu, Supermodel/Actress Monica Bellucci, and hot actress Florina Kendrick, Bram Stoker's Dracula (1993)

A beautiful bride.

Barbara Shelley

2008-01-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

I found an excellent blog entry on Barbara Shelley, an actress whom for me was a primary inspiration and maybe my earliest introduction to this strange attraction for female vampires. The author of the Cinebeats blog does a fantastic job of writing about one of the best female vamps ever portrayed on film and captures my sentiments about her precisely. Visit Barbara here:

cinebeats.blogsome.com/2007/07/07/barbara-shelley

The V Word

2008-01-09T22:53:00.001-05:00

There was a bit of vampire convergence going on over at Showtime's lesbian showcase The L Word a few seasons ago. Three former vampiresses were on the show at once; two series regulars (Jennifer Beals, Mia Kirschner) and one guest actress (Erica Cerra).

Jennifer Beals starred in the black comedy Vampire's Kiss (1989) where she showed some excellent fangage, a bit of her hot body, and lots of 80's-style hair.

Jennifer Beals in Flashdance (1983). Sure, it seems cheesy now...

Mia Krschner in the excellent show Dracula: The Series (1990)

I think Mia Kirschner misses her fangs.

Preppy girls with fangs are my favorite (Erica Cerra).

Underworld: An Underachiever

2008-01-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

Some things go together well: peanut butter and chocolate, for example, or pizza and beer. Action vampire movies are a genre to which I never quite cottoned because I don't think they were meant for each other. Vampire movies are ultimately about (un-?) human contact, passion and sexuality, and action movies are their antithesis. Shoot-em-up, blow-em-up action flicks are often difficult to reconcile with good storytelling.

An unpolished Kate Beckinsale in 1990.

Underworld was a decent enough movie and Kate Beckinsale is a pretty enough A-list actress, so I shouldn't complain too much when big-time Hollywood royalty play one of the un-dead. Maybe it will encourage any number of other starlets to follow her example. But therein lies some of the movies' problems; she barely had fangs, she barely used them, she never turned anyone into a vampire or bit a neck. For me it's barely a vampire movie. She didn't set a good example for Anne Hathaway as Dracula's Daughter in my fantasy movie, at all.

Fangs good enough for apples and carrots.

Undoubtedly, Kate's body is smokin' hot and that leather outfit was great. For a while. Until she wore the same thing through rain, mud, gunfights, fire, explosions and never a wardrobe change.

She wore the same outfit the entire movie.

By the end of the movie she looked as if she could use a nice warm shower.

As happens so many times, leave it to the yeoman actress who gets second billing to take up the star's slack and deliver the goods.

Sophia Myles shows some decent fangage.

I See Vampiresses

2008-01-05T21:42:00.000-05:00

Who knew the mom (Kadee Strickland) from The Sixth Sense was so cute and pretty?

What Not to Wear

2008-01-04T21:01:00.000-05:00

Just because a woman turns into a vampire doesn't mean she has to dress like a trollop. I'm sure there are some changes to her personality once she becomes undead; unresponsive, a cold heart, parasitic, manipulative, conniving and a detached demeanor to name but a few, but that's not all that different from some living women I know anyway. Even so, I just don't see them wholly changing their wardrobe into something resembling a dominatrix stripper. So why do the wardrobe directors in movies do it so frequently?

Here's the actress Jill Wagner in a recent and egregious example of what I mean. It's from the wonderful, but short-lived TV show Blade: The Series. On the left we see Jill as the beautiful, wholesome woman that she is, while on the right she's in all her vampiric glory from the series. Those are some awesome fangs and I'm very grateful they picked such a pretty woman to be a vampire, but seriously, what the hell is she wearing? What's with the dead animal and those clunky-ass shoes?

Now, I'm not one to disrespect any pretty woman with fangs and ta-tas like these who posts a picture of herself, but I have to question her choice of spidery unitard as the best fashion choice.

There's nothing so droll and uninviting as chains, leather and cheesy leftover faux goth-crap from the prop department.

So as to end on a positive note, here's actress Valerie Gaunt from 1958's Horror of Dracula wearing a classical Greek-inspired gown. Now that's the kind of thing for a proper vampiress to wear.

Pretty. Short hair.

2008-01-03T22:05:00.000-05:00

There are probably practical reasons beyond fashion why actresses choose a certain hairstyle. The wrong length and it might preclude them from getting a given part. Younger actresses seem to tend toward long, while older seem to favor shorter but still aim to look classically feminine. It's perhaps for that reason there are few actresses with very short hair. Or vampiresses, for that matter.

I know of only one, and I actually forgot the name of both the movie and the actress! It was something like Vampire's Embrace, but definitely not the Alyssa Milano lesbian-kiss movie, which incidentally was barely a vampire movie at all. This one starred a little known actress whom I believe was featured in several soft-porn movies, of which this was one. I think women have to be very pretty to pull off short hair, and that she was.

This is our unnamed heroine.

I was never crazy about her albino-blue eyes, though.

Two of my all-time favorite pics.

The story involved a dancer whom was the object of the vampiresses' boyfriend. The vampiress seduced her, vampirized her, and tricked her into feeding on a friend.

She has longer hair. She was none too happy when she found out about the ruse.

Fang Favorite - Rebecca Staab

2008-01-02T21:41:00.001-05:00

I have only a few pictures to go with this one, and even less information about her, but Rebecca Staab first blew me away in the 1990 remake of Dark Shadows. From what I remember, she was only in about 3 episodes and a protracted story arc in which she finally became beautifully vampirized, but only for a short while before getting staked. She was done up right, too; big hair, glowing eyes, flowing dress...the whole works. And she was one wholesome, corn-fed all-American vampiress; she was a Miss USA Beauty Pageant finalist from Nebraska in 1980 when she was 18. At 27 she first sprouted fangs in Dark Shadows.

About seven years later she was again getting seduced and vampirized, this time in the soap opera Port Charles. I never saw the show but from the few pics of her I was able to find, she looked pretty sexy and glamorous, like a daytime starlet should.

In 2007 she played the ultimate MILF in a TAG body spray commercial in which she aggressively tried to seduce her daughter's gentleman caller. This woman has some awesome genetics. Now if she had only tried to bite that dude....

Rebecca looking good as an early 90's vampiress. Note the big hair, it's great.

Rebecca succumbs. Nice, sexy mouth.

Why does it always have to end with a stake in the heart?

Incredulously, this woman is close to 45 years old.

A few small caps from her time on Port Charles.

This is Rebecca in all her VHS glory as the 1980 Miss Nebraska. She's the first contestant Bob Barker interviews.

Rebecca as the ultimate MILF in a TAG Body Spray commercial. So sexy, even without fangs and glowing eyes.

Fang Favorite - Erica Cerra

2007-12-18T21:40:00.000-05:00

Courtney isn't the name one usually associates with a vampiress. Something like Marishka, or Verona...now there's two names you would never question should the subject of vampires arise in casual conversation. You went to school with Courtney. She's nice and has pretty hair and lots of friends.

Except this Courtney has fangs, too. Relative-unknown actress Erica Cerra played a vampire sorority sister in a Halloween episode of the TV series Superman. Now, I can almost hear what you're going to say - there's nothing quite so predictably cheesy than vampire sorority sisters. The sisters usually end up looking like slightly weathered strippers in an unchallenging acting gig between trips to the pole. Tacky lingerie that almost certainly came from the Frederick's of Hollywood mail order catalog does not necessarily make sexy. But Superman is a big-budget show with real actors and writers. Who else could entwine Superman, Halloween and hot sorority vampire chicks into one cohesive story?

It's a funny quirk about many vampire shows that the chicks with fangs who are acting extras often turn out to be hotter than the stars themselves. This is not as true with Kristin Kreuk, whom is one of the shows' stars and an amazingly beautiful women (even without being turned into a vampiress, but that's the subject for another post) but I really took a liking to Erica/Courtney.

I'm partial to the preppy look. Maybe it was the pastel-colored clothing and sensible flats that did it for me. Or perhaps when she wore that flowery bikini and bit the pizza delivery boy, or restrained Kirstin while the sorority president vampirized her, or even that last passing flash of fangs in that everyday girl-next-door skirt. I love it when the girl-next-door releases her inner-vampire.

In another quirk about Hollywood, some actresses have the great fortune to don the fangs several times in their careers while others never do (I'm still waiting for Nicole Kidman or Anne Hathaway to play a bride of Dracula.) Erica has played a vampire three times in her short career. She was a vampire wannabe in the first Blade movie, a lesbian vampire in the Showtime series The L-Word, and lastly in Smallville.

Erica Cerra (left) checks out the pizza delivery boy.

The girls lure pizza boy into a jacuzzi where Erica took the first bite.

Erica holds Kristin as she gets vampirized.

Nice money shot. But frankly, the chick on the left would do nothing for me not for her lovely canines.

One of the last shots of the girls. If you look closely, you can see a few scant pixels of Erica's fangs.

Mutations and Adaptations

2007-12-16T20:53:00.001-05:00

Women with blonde hair, according to a study I recently read about, are the result of a genetic mutation. The theory says near the end of the last ice age their light-colored hair successfully attracted the attention of the scarce supply of male mates who were dying at a rapid rate in woolly mammoth hunting accidents, and the like. When the supply of men ran low, the competition heated up and the blonde was created.

It got me to thinking about the random nature of genetic mutations and evolutionary adaptations. Just as easily as the blonde was created, why not (and you may already see where I'm going here...) women with other, "better" mutations?

Pretty actress Amanda Peet as a highly adapted predator: feline eyes to see better at night; bat-like ears for improved hearing; and not only 2, but 4 fangs for improved hunting.

Supermodel Christy Turlington demonstrates an improved nutritional delivery system, sure to be an evolutionary advantage.

Elle MacPherson as a supermodel raptor. Flight and grasping claws are obviously a great combination for hunting prey. Her horns (though possibly otherwise useful) give her a great demonic quality, too.

A blonde with fangs must have the most fun.

Amateurs

2007-12-10T21:53:00.000-05:00

Whatever beneficent force compels an attractive, everyday woman to wear fangs is a welcome mystery to me. Here are a few of my favorite pics accumulated from around the 'net that show "nice" girls with some lovely additions to their smile.

Halloween parties are understandably a time when girls want to show their ~~tits~~ teeth.

Her curly hair and blue eyes are disarming, and a striking contrast to her fangs.

I believe this woman was posting her pics on a dating service, most were her topless draped in a boa. Not exactly the behavior of a debutante, but she has the face of one.

One of my all-time favorites, yet I don't remember where I came across it. I do remember her profile stated she was in a decent college studying pre-med. *sigh*

This is a pretty actress. I would love to see more about why she's wearing these.

Pretty Ugly

2007-12-06T22:26:00.000-05:00

I wrote the following story (link below) around 1998, or so, when I realized Buffy the Vampire Slayer, like so many other vampire-related TV and movies, was going to be a major disappointment. Here we had a perfect set-up: an attractive troupe of southern California high schoolers fighting vampires. This could have been great. Hot blonde California vampire chicks at the beach wearing bikinis, right? Baywatch with fangs? Not quite. The vampires were all ugly. Really, what were they thinking?

I never really followed the show closely because of that. It was a well-written show and from what little I know, occasionally featured very good-to-great comedy, drama, and even some singing. But I could never get past the ugly vampire-thing. So I wrote this story as a salve to my stinging disappointment and through the use of that old tried-and-true plot device known as the MacGuffin I made the three female leads into pretty vampires.

Speaking of whom, 10 years later who would have thought that at 37 Charisma Carpenter is getting a bit long in the tooth, so to say? And Sarah Michelle needs to be careful if her genes condemn her to the looks of her mom in 20 years. Meanwhile, Alyson Hannigan who had about zero sex appeal back then is looking really cute at 28. But my story gives them fangs, tails, horns and cloven hooves, so they'll always look beautiful. They even wear makeup when they're vamped-out.

Since I re-read the story after almost 10 years, I felt it held up well enough to re-post it. I think the pacing of the dialogue captures the original and although I hesitate to call it fan fiction (having never been a fan, and I wouldn't want to admit to being so nerdy) it probably qualifies as such.

Please be forewarned this story is rated R for adult language, depictions of sex and violence.

Read the story here:
Buffy the Pretty Vampire

This image of Charisma Carpenter was used to make her even better and is the model for the transformations in my story.

Buffy was cute, but an ugly vampiress.

Alyson Hannigan was also an ugly vampiress and what lousy fangs she had! She looks pretty cute these days,though.

Almost Having It All

2007-11-20T21:07:00.000-05:00

The idea that vampires suck the blood from a living host lends itself well to many metaphors ranging from economic to sexual. Vampire's Kiss (1989) was written at a height of yuppie awareness and movie critics sometimes reference it as a commentary on capitalist failure because the protagonist was a Wall Street trader gone mad. Whatever... Perhaps a more believable metaphor is a near-forgotten TV episode I saw about the same time as Vampire's Kiss in which all the partners in a law firm were vampires. Now that's more plausible.

These got me to thinking about those stories in which ladies have entered into vampirism not so much as victims but as willing participants. The resulting creature is so much more fun and participatory than the usual vampire victim.

One favorite of mine is in an episode of the Canadian-American TV show Dracula: The Series (1990) titled "Damsel in Distress". An attractive, high-powered finance executive living in Brussels is also a single mom and approaching "that age". She becomes entwined in a business dealing with Dracula himself and all is normal until, surprise! she's in his castle sipping wine and laughing diabolically while flashing some wonderful fangs. Things happen fast in the 22 minutes alloted to actual story telling in a half-hour TV show, so I'll be happy to fill in the details...

This is what we see and know:

Eileen is back in town from yet another business trip and as usual gives short shift to her 2 sons and good-but-wayward niece (more on her another time.) She meets with a financial representative of Dracula and is drawn to his business office. At first she's all business, dressed in the de rigueur power-suit of the day; a high-shouldered red jacket and black skirt. Then they leave the stuffy confines of the office and proceed to a large room in the castle where they stand, sip wine, discuss art, life, and seem to have developed a small personal relationship.

Her children, alarmed by the tone of their mother's voice when they cautiously called her on her primitive mobile brick-phone (it was the early 90's, after all) rush into the room while Dracula is temporarily in another. Her maternal instincts kick-in and Eileen begins to rush them away and up the stairs when Dracula re-enters the room. The kids whip out the crucifixes and that's when Eileen's maternal instincts are trumped by what evidently was a damn effective bite by Dracula. The kids run away and Eileen laughs and laughs, her luscious and full fangs fully exposed.

So what happened? I'll fill in the missing pieces for you. Eileen is in her mid-40's, single and damned horny. Her high-powered international finance position coupled with the responsibilities of raising children as a single mom leaves little time or opportunity for getting laid. She meets a rich, powerful man and views him as a worthy companion. She's heard the rumors he's a vampire but dismissed them as silly folklore. Then she begins to wonder: "if the rumors are true I can keep my remaining looks forever and live in his fabulous castle and inherit his aristocratic title. My American friends would be so jealous even as they crumbled to dust throughout the years as I remained pretty," and so on. So when it came time for him to sign the contract, so to speak, he bit her in the neck, they had crazy mad demonic vampire sex, and he turned her into a vampire and she got her wishes. And it was an immediate transformation too. No extended drama and pathos, no sappy string music in the background, just immediate fangs for the lady.

So here we have a smart and powerful woman in her own right snogging and canoodling the vampire-way with Dracula himself. She gave it up but got something even better in return, and in exchange Dracula got her expert professional services and eternal fealty. A smart deal all around. Not so unlike many real marriages.

The next we see Eileen she's absolutely fawning and enraptured over Dracula like a love-struck freshman who just lost her virginity to the varsity quarterback, only instead of talking about the Thanksgiving Day football game she's swooning about her wonderful experiences of being a vampire. It would be intolerable to see if she weren't such a sexy vampiress. And none of this implied vampirism crap for Eileen, her fangs are fully extended and the power suit is replaced with what resembles a girly, frilly, come-take-me-now prom dress.

Finally, the children come back to the castle to rescue their mom and Eileen almost does it...she almost obeys Dracula to bite and kill her kids with those lovely fangs he's given her but she collapses instead and is miraculously cured by virtue of her love for them. What crap! Honestly, one of the best set-ups ever is ruined by such a lame-ass cure?!?

Alas, Eileen wakes up at home the next morning all showered and fang-less, not remembering a thing about the good suck-and-fuckfest she obviously had with Dracula. In another time she would have woken up with a piece of wood stuck in her chest and her head removed and shoved with garlic cloves but this is the age of woman-empowerment so she gets off scot free and yet again we're only left with what could have been.

Eileen gets a special bonus from dealing with Dracula.

She's exhilerated at being Dracula's wench.

She almost had it all. What a lame ending.

"I can bring home the bacon and never let you forget you're a man. Enjoli"

Drawn to Them

2007-11-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

When the other students of my 8th grade Spanish class looked at Ms. Monsanto, our hot Puerto Rican teacher, they probably didn't see what I did. While she recounted and possibly embellished stories of her youth in Spanish Harlem (just like West Side Story?), only a few short miles away from our own toney suburbs, the other kids most likely saw a very pretty woman in her early 20's enthusiastically teaching the curriculum. The girls probably wanted to emulate this strong, statuesque, slightly exotic woman. The boys...well, it's not hard to figure that one out. Come to think of it, probably the same went for a few of the girls too. She dressed very well; tasteful enough in stylish clothes that never crossed an unspoken danger zone sure to alert the other faculty, but enough to mildly stimulate the raging hormones in all of us. Or rather, some of us because for me the attraction was more than mild.

It was classic hot for teacher stuff, and in a slightly warped perspective included images of the comic book heroine Vampirella, whom I only recently discovered. Add a dash of fantasy artist Frank Frazetta, some Hammer Studio horror movies, and the result was a potent and swirling stew of intoxicating confusion. It made Ms. Monsanto morph right there in front of me into something fantastic. She was animated, no - I mean literally animated and walked around the room a lot teaching and talking, which gave me ample opportunity to never avert my eyes and soak in every detail of her form. There were fangs, naturally. And high heels, but sometimes cloven hooves. A green scaly devil's tail magically poked through her pants and languidly, hypnotically swayed behind her in an almost absent-minded sort of way. She had a habit of pulling her hair back into a pony tail revealing bat-like ears. When she moved toward the clutch of cheerleaders at the back of the room I knew those red lips were ready to conjugate something good. "Voy, vas, van. Vamos, vais, vampire?" Then wham! I was back in class merely holding my pencil and staring into space.

Such are the travails of adolescence but my fantasy life didn't end there. I wrote previously (A Fresh Start) the dearth of pretty vampires didn't stop me from creating them, so I learned to illustrate. Poorly. This was a time before PhotoShop, so I surreptitiously tore full-page picture ads from fashion magazines and applied onion paper over the photos and began tracing, and coloring, until a feeble approximation of what was in my mind appeared on paper. The subjects were usually vamping anyway; silky hair-care models...smiling toothpaste girls with perfect teeth...sultry women with perfect makeup...the genesis of an obsession was begun. (Not all images below are mine.)

My drawing of Ms. Monsanto layered atop an advertisement photograph for hair a care product.

My perfect woman in extremis has cloven hooves, a serpent's tail and wings.

This sweetheart with fangs just makes me feel happy. I'd buy her an ice cream sundae anytime.

Here's supermodel Cindy Crawford looking pensive in a Maybelline cosmetics ad.

Cindy Crawford again in Maybelline.

Top model Shalom Harlowe.

Supermodel Christy Turlington has long been a favorite subject of mine

Truth be told...Vampirella is more sexy than pretty but she's what inspired me early on to like ladies with fangs and other supernatural abilities.

I'll take a pretty one with a nice set of fangs.

A Fresh Start

2007-11-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

For all it did to popularize vampires, Dracula (1931) also embedded the idea into popular culture that female vampires are dark, scary and brooding misanthropes worthy of a horror movie. That's understandable, given the unsavory vampire legends of eastern Europe upon which this and many subsequent movies were based.

For a long time thereafter, female vampires held the same special place for all women unfortunate enough to become victims of their own moral turpitude. If they brought it on themselves through sexual adventure they had to pay the consequences, or so the thinking goes. For lady vampires the price to pay was usually a sharp stick inserted between her heaving breasts while she screamed. There's a metaphor in there somewhere just in case some of you weren't paying attention.

By the 1980's some unrelated trends were developing that unfortunately merged with the vampire zetigest. Goth sensibilities, extreme piercings and tattoos, and other unsavory practices began to effect the vampire look. By the 1990's way too many people who looked depressed, mentally unbalanced and frankly not that pretty, were dressing like vampires and Tom Cruise became the idyll gay male vampire poster child. Fooey on Anne Rice and her crappy books and movies.

By the time Underworld (2003) came out I knew things had gone too far. The classy and beautiful Kate Beckinsale was made to look as if her thang smelled like old tuna. It rained a lot in the movie and she looked like she could have used a nice warm shower and some scented soaps. The black latex unitard she wore was quite awesome but that's all she wore. In every scene. Personally, I would have preferred a skirt and sweater combination with a nice white pearl necklace to really complement some fangs, but I understand that may be going a bit too far given the subject matter. Worst of all, Kate's fangs were almost non-existent. This is wholly unacceptable in a vampire movie and occurring way to frequently lately. Vampire chicks should have big fangs. End of story.

Some vampires are pretty, however. And if they don't exist, I sometimes make them up. That's why I write this blog; there should be more pretty vampires.

A pretty vampire in a field of lilacs. I can almost see the unicorns and rainbows. (Keri Russell)

This is top model Christy Turlington. She's not a vampire, but I wish she was.

Angie Everhart was also a top model, and played a vampire in Bordello of Blood (1996).

I never understood why those other trollops in Sex and the City got all the media attention while classy Kristin Davis took the back seat.

Actress Jennifer Esposito and singer Colleen Fitzpatrick frame actress Jeri Ryan in Dracula 2000. Interesting note: Jeri is probably the vampiress closest to becoming the wife of a US Senator that we know of.

I know...Katie Holmes broke my heart too.

If you don't remember the 80's, then you probably don't know Jennifer Beals was once America's sweetheart. That made it even more exceedingly gratifying to me when she grew fangs in Vampire's Kiss (1983).

Listen, I have really good radar about this kind of thing. Kate Bosworth is totally a heterochromiac. There, the truth is out. She was also 19-years old when she appeared in Blue Crush (2002). Enough said.

"It was a Brazillian supermodel vampiress. A Brazillian supermodel vampiress to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window." (Adrianna Lima).