Friday, October 24, 2008

Vampirella (1996)

Talisa Soto with vampire fangsTalisa Soto with vampire fangs

Talisa Soto looking hot/ridiculousTalisa Soto with vampire fangs

I get the sense Talisa Soto is made from a recipe of pure bitch: take 1-part Sharon Stone, 1 part Jennifer Lopez (J-Lo®-brand), bake in a flaky crust of Janice Dickinson, sprinkle with unbleached hairs from Madonna's mustache; serve hot, feeds 1 large ego.

Talisa started as a model and eventually graduated to a smokin' hot version of a Bond-girl in 1989 at age 22. By 30 she must have been feeling the dark hand of her expiration date quickly approaching. Why else would she agree to act in a movie where her principle wardrobe is a cheesy pleather bikini, she turns into a bat, and she frequently grows awesome fangs? That's the perfect woman for me, but I guess none of her friends were comic book nerds as kids and thus unable to warn her of an impending disaster in-the-making. Or maybe they thought the Roger Corman-produced vehicle would be cheeky and clever and would have Hollywood cred, (them having never actually seen a Roger Corman movie), right?

Wrong. Comic book movies were not back then like they are today and as sad as it makes me feel to say, vampire movies are not a positive indication of an actresses' career success. Vampirella is certainly a step-down from a Bond film, though probably equal in stature to that video game-to-movie adaptation she did of Mortal Kombat. But somehow she must have agreed to the ridiculous pre-production drawings of Vampirella's bikini, and she probably even read at least part of the script. Remember, this is a woman who appeared on the front cover of hoity-toity Vanity Fair with her douchebag-looking hubby Benjamin Bratt. Oh, imagine her indignation when the movie was released to less-than-rave reviews and the sinister whispers of her lack of acting talent and wardrobe attire.

But, damn! she makes for one pretty vampire.

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