Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Preppy Vampire

Preppy female vampires are my favorite kind but they're a woefully under-represented segment of the genre. Maybe it's due to the seeming incongruity of the "good vs. bad girl" dynamic but that's a basic tenet of the vampire myth and it was a prominent theme in Bram Stoker's Dracula. BFF's Lucy (the bad one) and Mina (the good one) are naturally compatible opposites. Dracula easily satisfies his lust with Lucy while he attempts to seduce a resistant Mina and make her his vampire bride. Of course, Lucy succumbs very quickly and as punishment for her immodest ways she's compelled to steal babies as food and ultimately gets a stake through the heart (no Freudian messages to be seen here...move along.) After a few love bites from Dracula, Mina momentarily dallies with her own set of fangs but is rapidly rehabilitated and is none the worse for the wear. Popular culture's takeaway from this is that a woman bit by a vampire is automatically transformed into a slutty, tacky, sex-starved vixen and there are plenty of examples online to prove it. They range from the mildly tacky, to tasteless, sleazy, vulgar, ridiculous and contrived, and just plain fucking weird and repulsive

However, there are a few examples of vampiresses who retain their classic beauty and serve as an antidote to the above. Most good vampire movies have a trio of vampire brides whom are classically pretty with my most recent favorite being in the film Dracula 2000. Then there's the episode of the recent Superman series where the vampiress president of the local sorority has her own three brides, including a classically beautiful Erica Cerra (in flats, a skirt and a blouse!), a stunning blonde, and a third girl who probably got the role as the result of a favor of one type or another. This episode also included the exceedingly beautiful, wonderfully fanged, and wholesomely normal Kristin Kreuk. In the "reality" show The Bachelor a very pretty bachelorette appeared in fangs who in true reality is model/actress Madison McKinley. Nina Dobrev from the show Vampire Diaries also has classic preppy looks and in a recent appearance on the Conan O'Brien show she appeared dressed in an tasteful evening gown, with surely a crew of stylists who preened over her hair and makeup with great results, made even better when she donned her fangs for a bit of intensely sexy role-playing

And now we have the fine example pictured here, a random beauty gleaned from the Internet. No excessive piercings or any tattoos to be seen, a beautiful smile and wholesome demeanor. Those wonderful quad-fangs coupled with her demure appearance make an incredibly appealing package; she's the good girl who was transformed into a vampire and she likely has some very hot secrets. For some excellent information on exactly what that is, go explore the wonderful TVTropes.org on the subject

Friday, May 4, 2012

Alpha-Vampiress Jessica Chastain

Actress Jessica Chastain wasn't always so happy about becoming a vampire. That devil eyes, bat ears and fangs could be so feminine never even entered her thoughts. Her carefully crafted public persona depended so much on her bright and lively appearance they were inextricably entwined and the physical characteristics of a night hunting animal hardly portrayed the image of an ingenue and Hollywood starlet she so desperately strived for almost her entire life. 

Unfortunately her vampire-turning happened in a manner unbecoming of her dignified persona. She was walking along the Hudson River in Manhattan when a drunken frat boy attacked her near the jogging path and when he was done he pushed her over the railing into the river thinking she was dead. She found herself washed up 3 days later next to a playground near the Lincoln Tunnel in Weehawken, New Jersey. Her first victim was a homeless man who made fun of her wet clothes and the fact she was wearing one flip-flop.

Despite her ignominious start Jessica became a well-respected actress with several highly acclaimed movies to her credit. She received an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actress in 2012 and was understandably named as one of Time magazine's 100 most influential people of the world! But little is known of her personal life except for what she carefully doles out to the public. Her appearance, style, and career have all been meticulously crafted and her Hollywood star trajectory took off soon after her vampirization. That was enough for her to embrace the life of being un-dead.

Jessica is still an avowed vegan except for when she sucks the blood of unwilling human victims. Though normally wholly repellent to her being it's an ordeal she enthusiastically enjoys for both the sport and what it delivers her career. It serves her canny existence to selectively develop an army of vampire minions able and willing to serve her earthly lust for power and fame. Besides turning influential members of Hollywood's power elite, she's spent a significant amount of personal time with a certain wife of a certain actor and member of the Church of Scientology, leading some to speculate theirs a relationship more than platonic.

Personally, Jessica has nonetheless expressed regrets about becoming a vampire. While still human, Jessica demonstrated all the characteristics of a post-feminist alpha-female with superior abilities and achievements. She understandably feels ambivalent about her un-dead nature even though it grants her powers beyond her dreams including immortality as a young, famous and beautiful woman. But that glory does not come without a price because soon after returning to the isle of Manhattan as a fledgling vampiress she was compelled to seek out the frat boy-vampire to demonstrate her unflailing submission to him. Unfortunately, this usually entails visits to his friend's bachelor parties along with a portable dancing pole, a midget and a unique knowledge of animal husbandry.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

How Imogen Poots Should Have Looked in "Fright Night"

Pretty actress Imogen Poots with vampire fangs
Talented young actress Imogen Poots reprised the role of Amy Peterson in the recent disappointing remake of the movie Fright Night. My contention that the original Amy (actress Amanda Bearse) gave one of the best female vampire performances ever put on film seems to have fallen on deaf ears, because this time Imogen's portrayal had very few of the nuanced elements that made Amanda Bearse's so great.

Imogen's Amy was instead relegated to the secondary role as the typical damsel in distress while providing none of the gravitas that Amanda Bearse's portrayal did. There was none of the extended, tortuous transformation we saw the original Amy go through that added so much to the story. In practically the blink of an eye the new Amy was all of a sudden the vampire's bitch - not sexy at all. Not sexy either was Imogen's horrible (and I mean that in a bad way) teeth, I can't even properly call them vampire fangs. It looked like a dentist's nightmare of snaggled mess.

So instead I present The Pretty Vampire version of Imogen Poots; recent bite marks on her neck to indicate freshness, demon eyes showing she's on the prowl, a nice set of canine fangs (because that's the way it's done), and a nice, feminine top (because she's a lady).