Playboy Bunny Vampires

Playboy Bunny Vampires may seem like a good bad-movie title but be assured they do, in fact, exist. And lucky for me. Unfortunately, they're a rare species and to my knowledge have appeared in the wild only thrice: in 1971, 1996 and 2008.

1971 brought the awesome Hammer Studios production of Twins of Evil with Playmate twins Mary and Madeleine Collinson, who appeared in the October 1970 issue. In 1996 Corinna Harney acted(?) in Vampirella (see prior post). She was Playmate of the Year 1992. Then at a Halloween party in 2008, April 1997 Playboy Playmate of the Month Kelly Monaco showed up wearing a bad wig and fangs. Kelly also played a vampiress in the daytime soap opera Port Charles (1999-2003) and if anyone has pics of her from that series with fangs, please drop me a note.

Christie Brinkley

I'm pretty sure Christie Brinkley is a vampire, and by the looks of these pics I can't be the only one who thinks so. The woman has barely changed from the February 1981 Sports Illustrated cover on the left to the 2008 photo on the right. And I'm not the artist, but I'm almost certain the inspiration for the drawing in the center was that cover photo. Naturally, even when she was younger my preference was to imagine Christie as a vampire and the artist almost perfectly captured that fantasy mental image of her. She's topless and has bat wings, and there's fangs under those bloody lips. What else could anyone want in a woman?

Christie is almost 55 years old (born February 2, 1954) and although she's still bangin' hot, she's not exactly the same as she was at 26. This leads me to believe she's probably a vampire in the Elizabeth Bathory sense; she most likely regularly bathes herself in the blood of virgins. That would also mean she can't fly and probably doesn't sleep in a coffin. That's certainly a disappointment, but whatever...she's always looked great. Even without fangs.

Vampirella (1996)

I get the sense Talisa Soto is made from a recipe of pure bitch: take 1-part Sharon Stone, 1 part Jennifer Lopez (J-Lo®-brand), bake in a flaky crust of Janice Dickinson, sprinkle with unbleached hairs from Madonna's mustache; serve hot, feeds 1 large ego.

Talisa started as a model and eventually graduated to a smokin' hot version of a Bond-girl in 1989 at age 22. By 30 she must have been feeling the dark hand of her expiration date quickly approaching. Why else would she agree to act in a movie where her principle wardrobe is a cheesy pleather bikini, she turns into a bat, and she frequently grows awesome fangs? That's the perfect woman for me, but I guess none of her friends were comic book nerds as kids and thus unable to warn her of an impending disaster in-the-making. Or maybe they thought the Roger Corman-produced vehicle would be cheeky and clever and would have Hollywood cred, (them having never actually seen a Roger Corman movie), right?

Wrong. Comic book movies were not back then like they are today and as sad as it makes me feel to say, vampire movies are not a positive indication of an actresses' career success. Vampirella is certainly a step-down from a Bond film, though probably equal in stature to that video game-to-movie adaptation she did of Mortal Kombat. But somehow she must have agreed to the ridiculous pre-production drawings of Vampirella's bikini, and she probably even read at least part of the script. Remember, this is a woman who appeared on the front cover of hoity-toity Vanity Fair with her douchebag-looking hubby Benjamin Bratt. Oh, imagine her indignation when the movie was released to less-than-rave reviews and the sinister whispers of her lack of acting talent and wardrobe attire.

But, damn! she makes for one pretty vampire.

Red-eyed Girl

Here's a photo I quite enjoy. It's not stunning, or particularly sexy but I think I have a huge crush on her. I like her casual style; sunglasses lazily placed on her head with a simple and tasteful hairstyle...it reminds me of a summer day. She's flashing her fangs as if someone only mentioned them and she decided to give them a peek. Thank you, cute, freckled girl with red eyes and fangs. Thank you.

Lost Boys 2: The Tribe

The first Lost Boys (1987) was just OK. It was frustrating to see up-and-coming starlet Jami Gertz never grow fangs. And for me, that's just payback for her never making it really big in Hollywood. Pretty women without fangs in a vampire movie is an incredibly lousy idea and they should be punished for it. Anyway...as is usual when I hear a new vampire movie is coming out, I try to keep my expectations at a minimum. My minimum expectations were not nearly met.

I wish I could say I watched more than the first 2 minutes of this movie in anything but high-speed, but it's movies like these where that 16x-play setting on the DVD player comes in real handy. Autumn Reeser is kinda cute, which means when she acquires fangs her rating instantly shoots to the hot side of the spectrum. And to her credit, she did try to have sex with her boyfriend while she transformed herself into a vampire, then try and bite him (she failed). But then, in this bizarro concept I really don't understand they put on make-the-cute-vampire-chick-ugly makeup. It's that damn Buffy the Vampire Slayer show that so egregiously foisted that idea on us all. They put layers of latex and prosthetics all over her face until she's practically unrecognzable. Then to top it all off, they don't even make her canine teeth fangs, they make the incisors the fangs and that's just not right. Feh. Autumnn was the only fanged female, the rest of the movie seemed mildly entertaining. That is, from what I could tell watching it at 16x-speed.

Anne Hathaway is a Vampire Princess

With Anne Hathaway's recent success and talk of an Oscar nomination, I figured it was time for her to get the vampire treatment.

Pretty, Smart, Geena Davis

A long time ago, Geena Davis reserved a secure place in that special part of my mind reserved for fantasy. I'm partial to tall, statuesque, intelligent women with pretty faces, large breasts and of course, fangs. Geena is 6-feet tall, a member of the high-IQ society Mensa, a former Victoria Secret model and once played a vampiress in the 1985 movie "Transylvania 6-5000" where she wore an outfit that was simultaneously cute, vampiric, and incredibly sexy. She was also nominated for Best Actress, amazingly - not for the time she wore fangs but for some other movie, whatever that one was...not important. She wasn't a vampire in that one.

Candid Vampiress Camera

Since the dawn of the age of supermodels, Christy Turlington still makes for the best vampiress. I particularly like this shot of her because it captures a candid moment, that for me, demonstrates her comfort with the camera, some genuine personality and inexplicably (especially for a model) her renown intelligence. And her fangs. She looks really great in fangs.

Random, Obscure Hot Vampire Chick

It's the girl on the right - she's infatuated me since I first saw this pic. I scanned it from an issue of Fangoria, or some such horror pulp mag from about 1995, or so. The accompanying story was about the women of the old, venerated hammer Horror Studios (that would be one of them on the left) and this small pic of anonymous hotties with fangs was stuck next to it like some teaser. I don't know much about the machinations of Hollywood, but I think this was some sort of publicity event that attracts would-be actresses, publicity reps, and other industry-types. Would she be an aspiring actress, or maybe a production assistant, or someone from the business-end of this event whom somehow, wonderfully decided she should attend an event with a lovely set of fangs? She looks young, stylish and exotic; in an image-obsessed industry she probably knows her looks could get her far if she plays the game, even if she's not an actress. A fuzzy dress, strap provocitively off the shoulder, knows how to get in the photo...is she part asian? Maybe part African-American? Hard to tell.

Vampy Vixen II

Thanks to a kind note from a visitor to this site, I was excited to find a few YouTube videos of sexy MILF Rebecca Staab from her days on the soap opera "Port Charles". Having previously blogged of her many wonderful attributes, this continues my schoolboy crush on her.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=OGaWqfDoH4o&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4qHvgk-2UzU

In the first video, Rebecca kills a predator right before he attacks her (not quite as hot) daughter. In the second clip, she fawns and swoons over an unrequited love interest until she finally decides to put her fangs in his neck.

Rebecca Staab (center) with some of the cast from "Port Charles".

3 Brides

Dracula has always been quite the ladies' man, and you've got to admire that. Who hasn't wanted to immediately seduce that beautiful woman with merely a stare? The ladies swoon and expose delicate body parts in response. Dracula has a thing for necks. That's cool, but personally I wouldn't stop there.

He seems to pick up chicks pretty easily wherever he goes. Sometimes in the movies we see him obsess on the high class lady only to get her horny friend instead. It's the Victorian equivalent of the messy drunken sorority chick at the frat party. You know the type, the big girl with the crush on you whom after a few beers won't stop talking until after you hook up with her and she passes out, but hopefully not before you're done. Dracula is sometimes similarly momentarily distracted for an easy quickie and so he takes his sights off the classy chick until there's inevitably a staking and it doesn't end well for him or the fat chick. Oh, he might get his fangs once on the classy chick but she never fully turns into a vampiress and she turns out to be a big tease in the end, anyway. That's right, go back to your American cowboy or your aristocratic English chap and in 10 years when you wake up and see those wrinkles you can remember how empowering those nascent fangs felt sprouting between your lips and how you never would be needing to slather your skin in heaps of Oil of Olay or whatever you use to keep it supple because you could have had gallons of virgin blood to wallow in.

But back to the subject at hand; his three ladies home at the castle. He usually has some pretty good taste too, probably he's used to getting the choicest Fräuleins back in old Bavaria whilst terrorizing the locale townsfolk until they give them up. Many times he goes for the triple scoop, a blond, brunette and redhead. Drac's the man.

The 3 brides that started it all in Dracula (1931). Frankly, it's hard for me to tell if chicks were hot from this era.

Colleen Fitzpatrick, Jeri Ryan and Jennifer Esposito Dracula 2000 in one of Dracula's finest harems.

That chick from the frat party?

That's supermodel Josie Maran on the left, whom never looked better. Van Helsing (2004).

One of those high-class Victorian ladies whom never quite turn vampiric enough. Dracula Prince of Darkness (1966)

Fashion model Michaela Bercu, Supermodel/Actress Monica Bellucci, and hot actress Florina Kendrick, Bram Stoker's Dracula (1993)

A beautiful bride.

Barbara Shelley

I found an excellent blog entry on Barbara Shelley, an actress whom for me was a primary inspiration and maybe my earliest introduction to this strange attraction for female vampires. The author of the Cinebeats blog does a fantastic job of writing about one of the best female vamps ever portrayed on film and captures my sentiments about her precisely. Visit Barbara here:

cinebeats.blogsome.com/2007/07/07/barbara-shelley

The V Word

There was a bit of vampire convergence going on over at Showtime's lesbian showcase The L Word a few seasons ago. Three former vampiresses were on the show at once; two series regulars (Jennifer Beals, Mia Kirschner) and one guest actress (Erica Cerra).

Jennifer Beals starred in the black comedy Vampire's Kiss (1989) where she showed some excellent fangage, a bit of her hot body, and lots of 80's-style hair.

Jennifer Beals in Flashdance (1983). Sure, it seems cheesy now...

Mia Krschner in the excellent show Dracula: The Series (1990)

I think Mia Kirschner misses her fangs.

Preppy girls with fangs are my favorite (Erica Cerra).

Underworld: An Underachiever

Some things go together well: peanut butter and chocolate, for example, or pizza and beer. Action vampire movies are a genre to which I never quite cottoned because I don't think they were meant for each other. Vampire movies are ultimately about (un-?) human contact, passion and sexuality, and action movies are their antithesis. Shoot-em-up, blow-em-up action flicks are often difficult to reconcile with good storytelling.

An unpolished Kate Beckinsale in 1990.

Underworld was a decent enough movie and Kate Beckinsale is a pretty enough A-list actress, so I shouldn't complain too much when big-time Hollywood royalty play one of the un-dead. Maybe it will encourage any number of other starlets to follow her example. But therein lies some of the movies' problems; she barely had fangs, she barely used them, she never turned anyone into a vampire or bit a neck. For me it's barely a vampire movie. She didn't set a good example for Anne Hathaway as Dracula's Daughter in my fantasy movie, at all.

Fangs good enough for apples and carrots.

Undoubtedly, Kate's body is smokin' hot and that leather outfit was great. For a while. Until she wore the same thing through rain, mud, gunfights, fire, explosions and never a wardrobe change.

She wore the same outfit the entire movie.

By the end of the movie she looked as if she could use a nice warm shower.

As happens so many times, leave it to the yeoman actress who gets second billing to take up the star's slack and deliver the goods.

Sophia Myles shows some decent fangage.

I See Vampiresses

Who knew the mom (Kadee Strickland) from The Sixth Sense was so cute and pretty?

What Not to Wear

Just because a woman turns into a vampire doesn't mean she has to dress like a trollop. I'm sure there are some changes to her personality once she becomes undead; unresponsive, a cold heart, parasitic, manipulative, conniving and a detached demeanor to name but a few, but that's not all that different from some living women I know anyway. Even so, I just don't see them wholly changing their wardrobe into something resembling a dominatrix stripper. So why do the wardrobe directors in movies do it so frequently?



Here's the actress Jill Wagner in a recent and egregious example of what I mean. It's from the wonderful, but short-lived TV show Blade: The Series. On the left we see Jill as the beautiful, wholesome woman that she is, while on the right she's in all her vampiric glory from the series. Those are some awesome fangs and I'm very grateful they picked such a pretty woman to be a vampire, but seriously, what the hell is she wearing? What's with the dead animal and those clunky-ass shoes?


Now, I'm not one to disrespect any pretty woman with fangs and ta-tas like these who posts a picture of herself, but I have to question her choice of spidery unitard as the best fashion choice.

There's nothing so droll and uninviting as chains, leather and cheesy leftover faux goth-crap from the prop department.



So as to end on a positive note, here's actress Valerie Gaunt from 1958's Horror of Dracula wearing a classical Greek-inspired gown. Now that's the kind of thing for a proper vampiress to wear.

Pretty. Short hair.

There are probably practical reasons beyond fashion why actresses choose a certain hairstyle. The wrong length and it might preclude them from getting a given part. Younger actresses seem to tend toward long, while older seem to favor shorter but still aim to look classically feminine. It's perhaps for that reason there are few actresses with very short hair. Or vampiresses, for that matter.

I know of only one, and I actually forgot the name of both the movie and the actress! It was something like Vampire's Embrace, but definitely not the Alyssa Milano lesbian-kiss movie, which incidentally was barely a vampire movie at all. This one starred a little known actress whom I believe was featured in several soft-porn movies, of which this was one. I think women have to be very pretty to pull off short hair, and that she was.



This is our unnamed heroine.



I was never crazy about her albino-blue eyes, though.


Two of my all-time favorite pics.



The story involved a dancer whom was the object of the vampiresses' boyfriend. The vampiress seduced her, vampirized her, and tricked her into feeding on a friend.



She has longer hair. She was none too happy when she found out about the ruse.